Lost Without You
by Tearlit
Summary: Bella and Edward have been apart for six years - one night as she's out hunting a visitor surprises her and attempts to change everything. AU - Ignores half of New Moon and Eclipse.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own it; please don't sue me.

A/N – Hello my lovelies and welcome to my first Twilight fan fic. I've previously written only for Harry Potter so this is a new experience. Thanks goes to Ginny Brown Is Here And Now for forcing me to write this, helping me with plot and being my cheerleader. You rock, love! Now…on to the story….review! It makes me write faster.

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I walked silently through the woods; even after all this time I still found it all so disconcerting. I never imagined I would be so quiet, so graceful, and so inhumanly beautiful…and not be utterly happy about it. The perpetual twilight of yet another Alaskan winter hovered over me like an oppressive wool blanket and, as usual, it was so very hard to breathe. I wrapped my arms around my torso to hold myself together as the pain that was my constant companion tried once more to rip me to shreds. Once I had thought that changing would make me whole, if possible I was even more broken now than I was when I had been human.

I stood up, gasping in air that was not essential to my existence, forcing myself to move on, searching for something that was. I caught the sent of a heard of moose and threw myself into the hunt – the pain dulled when I was like this. I could breathe when I hunted. I quickly caught up to the herd and, reaching out with one pale hand, grabbed a medium sized one by the antlers and threw him into a tree; it shattered, busting into a million pieces. The rest of them scattered, as I had known they would.

I pulled the animal from the wreckage of the tree and snapped it's neck – I hated causing it to suffer more than it had to. I knelt down and, using my extra sharp teeth, slit its throat and drank slowly and deeply, enjoying the feel of the still hot blood pouring down my throat. I drained the poor animal dry and stood up, wiping my mouth clean with the back of my hand and then licking the blood from it. I left the body lying there – scavengers would get it soon enough – and turned back towards the small house that I called home.

I thought of running, but disliked it now – perhaps I always would. It reminded me so much of him. As I neared home the thought of entering that empty place was maddening enough that I cried out and turned away, walking in a vaguely easterly direction. Becoming a vampire hadn't heightened my sense of direction. I wasn't sure how long I had walked before I caught a vague scent – vampire. I was instantly wary. In the six years since my transformation I had only come across two others of my kind. Victoria I had…disposed of. Caleb I had stayed with for a time, but he wanted what I could not give him and we parted ways. I debated on whether or not to continue on; returning to my home seemed the preferable choice. However, if I had smelled them, then surely they had smelled me by now. I did not want someone following me home uninvited.

The snow whispered beneath my booted feet as I continued on, veering to the north when the scent directed me in such a manner. I discovered soon after my change that the trait I carried over was my perceptiveness – I could instantly sense that this one meant me no harm…yet. There was always that option later. I smoothed my hair and checked my clothing for bloodstains; there was no sense in letting my 'visitor' think I was a bloodthirsty savage.

The scent grew ever stronger and I could see a dim form, hundreds of yard through the trees; I listened hard and could only hear the sound of breathing. As I came closer I could tell it was a man and that he seemed to be standing very still, waiting for me. I sighed, cursing him for coming so close to me, cursing myself for not going home when I should have.

As I came closer a sense of calm washed over me and the pain surged up, rivaling it; I wrapped my arms around myself again, biting my lip to keep from crying out. I had been lucky – Caleb and Victoria had no special talents, nothing about them reminded me of what I had lost. This one however…I sighed and forced my spine to straighten, my arms to loosen. How could a dead heart still hurt so very badly?

I stopped a polite distance away from the man and said, polite yet frosty, "Hello." My voice startled me; I heard it so little. I still imagined it as being the voice of my youth; instead it had changed subtly to take on a slightly more musical quality.

I saw my visitor, whom I refrained from looking at too closely for the sake of my own sanity, stiffen at the sound of my voice. I turned my head to look at him when he said, "Bella?" His voice was utterly shocked and as I heard it I staggered back a step.

It was then that I took in the tall, lean form, the long honey blonde hair. I whispered, "Jasper?"

"Bella, it's you! What…. you're one of us? How did that happen?"

"I think you know how," I said icily – how dare he come here? It's not like I was getting any better but I at least wasn't getting any worse.

"Edward looked for you. He wondered what happened; he went to Charlie's but you were gone…"

The hole in my chest that I had worked so hard to shrink suddenly expanded – I was now just a large gaping wound. My torso exploded and even though I wrapped my arms tightly around myself there was no longer anything to hold together. Edward had gone, the Cullen's had gone, and they had taken so very much of me with them – now here was Jasper, taunting me with his presence, taking the life I had built and grinding it to dust just by being here, by recognizing me, by speaking my name, by speaking _his_ name.

I cried out at his words and sank to the ground, clutching at myself to no avail. I'd rather be dead than go through this. Jasper was suddenly just there, pulling me into his arms, holding me as I sobbed tearlessly.

"It's still so hard for you," he gasped, and I felt a pang on anguish knowing that he was feeling what I was. Then a calm washed over me and I leaned into him. He pulled back and gazed deeply into my eyes. "Bella, what's happened to you?"

I sighed and pulled away – Jasper Hale was the last person in the world I wanted to share the last six years of my existence with.


	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer – Not mine. Don't sue. Wouldn't get anything anyway.

A/N – Thanks goes to my lovely reviewers from chapter 1 and to the people that added my story or me to their favorites or put this story on their alert list!

Ok I've read some stories that include mood music and I like it so I'm going to do that. Sometimes the song will follow the chapter and sometimes it won't, it'll just be whatever I was listening to at the time. This chapter's mood music is My Immortal by Evanescence. You decide if it fits or not.

Also…make my day…review!

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I stood and backed away from Jasper, shaking my head. "We are not talking about this. Just go away, Jasper, leave me alone."

"Bella…"

I threw myself into the trees then, running like I hadn't in years in the hope of leaving him behind. I weaved in and out of the large trees, leaping over rocks and tree trunks, and still I could sense Jasper behind me. I muttered an oath under my breath – he would not give up and I would not give in.

I reversed suddenly and we collided with an ear splitting crash – it hardly upset either one of us. I grabbed his arm and spun him into a tree, causing splinters of wood to sail through the air. He grabbed for me but I spun out of his way; a well-aimed kick soon dropped me to the ground but I swiftly rolled away. We continued in our macabre dance – lashing out but not making contact – until Jasper raised his hands and swiftly backed away. I mirrored him and we eyed each other warily.

"You're good," he said, nodding at me.

"Thanks."

He studied me for a moment, paying careful attention to my eyes. "I'm glad you chose our lifestyle."

"How could I not?" I whispered.

"Who turned you?"

"Jasper…I don't want to discuss this with you."

"What about with me?" I heard a musical voice ask from somewhere behind me. I spun around and there she was, popping out from behind a tree – the one person that I had missed nearly as much as _him_. She bounced gracefully toward me and if I could have I think I would have cried.

"Alice!" I gasped.

She grabbed me in a hug, but her eyes seemed worried. "How did I miss this?" she murmured to herself. "I know I've been preoccupied, but still…I would have thought…" The girl studied me closely. "You've had a hard time of it, haven't you, Bella?"

I turned away and whispered, "Why are you here? Why now? You've left me alone this long…"

"I came because I saw Jasper with you. I hadn't seen anything about you in so long…I just had to come. How long have you been one of us?"

"Nearly six years now."

I heard her sharp intake of breath and she murmured, "Not long after we left…"

"No…it was that next spring," I whispered, surprised that I suddenly wanted to spill my secrets to her. "I was hiking, yes hiking," I clarified as her eyebrows rose. "I was trying to find a meadow that…that I had been to before. I finally found it but Laurent was there. His plan was to kill me; he jerked me forward and bit my throat," I whispered, fingering the scar that would always mar my skin. "I tried to fight him but I was too weak, and then suddenly someone pulled him off me and there was snarling and screaming and it burned so badly. I felt someone pick me up and I wasn't terribly coherent for a while... I woke some time later alone in a small cabin in a remote part of Canada."

"What have you done for the past six years?"

"Roamed about, mostly. I found a cabin not far from here a few months ago that had been abandoned. I've lived there since. I'm still not good around humans."

I could see the question in there eyes – had I slipped and murdered someone? I sighed but didn't want to get into that, so I kept my silence.

"You really didn't know about me, Alice?"

"No, I've been so preoccupied with watching Edward…."

I flinched back at the sound of his name as if I'd been slapped, causing her to arch one perfect brow.

"He's such an idiot," she hissed. To me she said, "Come back with us, Bella. I'm sure Carlisle and Esme would love to see you. They are the only ones at the house right now."

Jasper, who had remained silent since Alice's approach, now said, "Yes, they would be very happy if we brought you home with us."

"No," I whispered. "I can't come with you. I prefer to be alone now."

"Bella," Alice whined.

"Alice, let her be," Jasper said in a calming voice, placing a hand gently on her arm. I turned away at the site of it. "Could we come visit you, Bella?"

"I don't know…" I whispered.

"I come hunting this way about twice a month. I'll be here two weeks from today if you want to see me again. If not I understand," Jasper said softly.

I nodded, still not looking at them, and when I walked away they made no move to stop me.

* * *

I made it back to my house sometime after midnight – time didn't matter much anymore so I didn't keep a terribly close eye on it. I let myself in and bolted the door behind me, not that it would do much good, but I still took comfort in trite human things. My cabin had started life as a place for hunters to sleep and it still smelled of gun oil and wet furs. I couldn't be around humans yet, so I had no money, and the few furnishings I possessed I had either stolen by creeping into stores after the patrons and customers had returned home for the night or took from abandoned homesteads.

The cabin was one large open room with a ladder leading up to a loft; the walls and floor were all made of rough-hewn boards that had been sanded smooth. There had been a tiny bathroom but it was beyond repair, so I blocked it off. Instead I had positioned an antique claw foot tub I found in an old farmhouse beside the kitchen area. Since I didn't need to eat I used the sink and wood burning stove to heat water whenever I fancied a bath. Along the adjoining wall was a cardboard box that held towels and toiletries; just beside that was an old cedar where I kept what little clothes I possessed.

A battered, yet oh so comfortable, blue sofa sat in the middle of the floor on a vibrant rug and faced a small stack stone fireplace that I rarely lit. Books of various sizes were heaped pell-mell all around the room. A rough wooden ladder leaned against the wall fourth wall beside a small table and led up to the loft. In the loft was a thin mattress and large pile of quilts – even though I couldn't sleep now I still liked to curl up on my makeshift bed when I was feeling overwhelmed. It was here that I went now.

I burrowed under the pile of quilts and my body began to shake with tearless sobs – I ended up here all too often. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to think of things that didn't remind me of _him. _I thought back to the days of my transformation, completely losing myself in the memory…

_The pain was unbearable, worse than I could have imagined in my worst nightmares. It sank into very pore – even my fingernails hurt, even my hair hurt. I writhed and screamed and lost sense of where I was, of who I was, of what was happening. All I knew was the endless pain. I was dimly aware of movement for a while, of arms around me, of someone whispering in my ear though the words were muffled and I couldn't understand. The pain lasted for days, weeks, years, lifetimes and finally, finally it began to fade. My eyes were closed tight and I could not open them, no matter how hard I tried. My breathing was heavy and labored and I could hear my heart echoing in my chest, slower, and slower and slower it beat. The pain gave way to a cold numbness and finally my heart gave one last shuddering beat and stopped. The silence was deafening._


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer – Not mine; just having fun!

A/N – Huge thanks go to wantingedwardcullen, Sarah The Happy Grimm Reaper, AKL0059, Leslie, Ginny Brown Is Here And Now and Spontaneous Chickie for reviewing chapter 2! You guys are amazing! Thanks also go to anyone who added this to their favorites or alert list. It really gives me an incentive to update when I have feedback and know people are waiting.

Mood music: She Just Wants to Be – R.E.M.

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Snow was falling thickly through the air, blanketing everything it touched, and piling up in huge drifts around the barren trees. I sat perched in a tall pine; my limbs were wrapped tight around a branch that was thicker around than my waist. The needles shielded me from view, however I knew they wouldn't keep my presence hidden for long.

I smelled him long before I saw him, even with my enhanced eyesight, and I knew he was aware of my presence as well. He stopped several yards away, leaning in a relaxed fashion against a tree, staring up at me. The snow obscured his face and my heart ached at the slight resemblances I could see between the man that was here and the one that I wished was.

I leapt from the tree, landing lightly and moved over to stand beside him faster than I once would have thought possible.

"Edward's back."

I swayed, causing him to grab my elbow.

"Alice called him."

I growled.

"He's been…upset. She wanted him to know you were all right. He wants to see you."

"Why?"

He looked puzzled. "He's missed you, Bella. He loves you."

I shook my head back and forth, back and forth. "No, no he doesn't. He never loved me. I was just a distraction for a while."

"You've got it wrong, Bella."

"No…" I whispered. I began walking almost unconsciously, and I realized that my arms had welded themselves around my ribcage again. "Go away, Jasper," I murmured when I realized he was keeping pace with me. "I was fine until you showed up!"

"Liar."

"I was better than I am now."

"You need to make peace with this. You need to either let him go or let him back in your life. He wants you back, Bella. At least meet with him somewhere."

"If he wanted me he wouldn't have left!" I screeched. A flock of birds took flight from the trees and I started at the sheer volume of them.

"He came back for you, not three months after you were changed. The emotions when he came back to the house and said you were gone…I couldn't be around him it hurt so much. Of course it's not a lot better now, I suppose I've just grown accustomed to it."

"How was Charlie?" I asked, truly interested. I missed my father very much.

"Not very good. Alice went and spoke with him at Edward's request. They found some blood, hair, your jacket, a few other scraps of your clothes and a compass covered in your fingerprints in a clearing deep in the woods. They also found some wolf tracks and concluded that you fell victim to the wolves that had been plaguing the area. They never found any of the other bodies so they didn't find it odd that they could not locate yours. You were pronounced legally dead and a memorial service was held."

I was stunned by this news. I had always hoped that Charlie simply thought I was alive and well somewhere; somehow him thinking I had turned my back on him and everything else was preferable to him thinking me dead.

"How did you get to Canada?" he asked me.

"I have no idea. I awoke utterly alone. There was a strange smell about the place - it was somehow…hot. Like the way spicy food will burn the nose of a human, this burned mine. I didn't stay there long."

Jasper wore a look of deep concentration.

"What?" I asked.

"I was thinking…but that would never be possible. Not at all."

"What wouldn't?"

"Nothing," he said, waving his hand absently. "Have you met any others of our kind? Until now I mean."

"Twice," I said, biting my lip and debating how much to tell him. "Do you remember Victoria?"

"Yes. The female that was the James, correct?"

"Yes, she was after me the day Laurent bit me. A few months later she found me. I took care of her." To avoid him asking questions I continued on with, "About a year after that I came across a male named Caleb. He was turned around the time of the Second World War. He was very nice; not a vegetarian, but he supported me. I slipped a couple times when I was trying to learn to be around humans – it was hard, all the remorse, but he helped me get through it. Though I learned that my control is not yet good enough, so I stay up here."

"Why aren't you still with him?"

"We wanted different things," I said, looking away so he wouldn't see the pain in my eyes. Caleb wanted me, but I still longed only for Edward.

"How…" he began eagerly but then stopped. I nodded for him to continue. "How many times have you slipped?"

"Three the first year. Twice the second year, which was the year I found Caleb. Once the year after he left. Six times total."

"Not bad. Emmett would have won the bet."

"Bet?" I asked blankly.

"When Alice still saw you being changed and staying with us Emmett and I started betting on how many times you would slip up in the first five years. He was going for ten to twelve times total."

"And you? What numbers were you saying?"

"More than that."

"Emmett would have won then," I said, not even caring enough to be shocked at the betting.

"Is this where you live?" he asked softly and I cursed silently. I had not meant to lead him here, but sure enough, there was my tiny house.

I nodded, sighing in defeat, and walked through the door, motioning him to follow me. He looked around curiously at the shabby, yet comfortable surroundings and I closed the door behind him before moving and curling up on one end of the couch.

"You know you would be welcome to come stay with us," he said quietly.

I shook my head. "You left me, Jasper. You didn't want me then so why would you want me now? I'm still very young and not very interesting at all."

He sighed, "You don't have a very clear picture of yourself."

I felt myself shut down and he looked at me, face clearly asking what was wrong now.

"Edward would say that to me…a lot. It was just odd coming from you."

We sat there for a long time, not moving or speaking, but somehow I enjoyed the company. Finally he stood and gently brushed his fingers across the back of my hand. "Can Alice come with me next time?" he asked, and I realized that there would be a next time. Not for a while, and he understood that too, but there would be. I nodded and then he was gone.

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The days passed slower now and I found myself longing a bit for company, for someone to talk to, someone that cared about me. I thought many times of going to find the Cullens, surely Alice would see me and meet me if I got too lost, but the thought of him being there always stopped me. Some things I still could not handle, even as sturdy as I was now.

It was a few nights later when I smelled it - a scent that triggered something deep within me, that caused my book to fly across the room and my body to sprint to the door, throwing it open. A smell so wonderful that, even though it was slightly different from the last time I smelled it, I would know it and respond to it anywhere.

And there he was.

"_Edward_," I breathed, falling to my knees.

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A/N – Don't forget to review! Any ideas of what you'd like to see happen are appreciated as well.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer – I'm not Stephenie Meyer therefore this is not mine. Don't sue me.

A/N – Thanks to all the brilliant people who have reviewed, alerted, etc. Thanks also to ode to a firefly for frequently prompting me to write.

Mood Music – hm…You Were Meant for Me – Jewel and Apologize – One Republic

Finally...make my day...review!!

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I knelt, clutching my arms around midsection and stared at him, standing only three long strides away. My brain, newly enhanced since I last saw him, photographed his image in minute detail and I knew that never again would I fail to do him justice, never again would I forget the perfect, otherworldly beauty that was Edward. I stood slowly, shock, awe and pure elation fighting to dominate my features. He remained still and appeared utterly stunned for reasons that I couldn't fathom.

"Bella?" he breathed, voice velvet and pure, sweet music to my ears.

It was then, at the very moment I heard him speak my name, that I knew I could not do this. He had broken me so utterly that I would never be the same, but I was slowly, so slowly in fact that often I didn't recognize it, healing. I wouldn't be completely without blemish, my heart would have cracks and small holes when the process was complete, but the gaping wound in my chest would heal over and I would be able to go on and function normally again. Maybe not for a few decades, but it would happen – with his continued absence. But if I let him in now and he left again…I would never recover from such a blow as that.

I stepped away from him, wondering for the first time in my existence if I was faster than he was. I doubted it.

"Bella…" he said again, stepping towards me now. His face showed a quiet wonder, but his eyes…they were more sorrowful than even my own. "Please don't…"

I gaped at him, wondering if he could hear my thoughts now that I was one of his kind. "Can you…?" I asked, trailing off at the end and simply motioning at my head.

"No," he whispered. "Your mind is as closed to me as it was when you were human. I can still read your face though."

I closed my eyes, fighting to do what I knew I had to.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. I opened my eyes and gasped, he was standing close enough to touch. He reached his hand out and brushed my face – I could not bring myself to move. It was so strange for his fingers not to feel icy, to not be immediately dazzled when I met his golden eyes with my own.

"I owe you so many things…least of all an apology," he said, speaking so fast that were I still human I could never have caught it all. "I left you to keep you safe. I had no idea that my leaving would be your undoing, would, quite literally, be the death of you."

"I have spent these last six years searching for some sign that you were still out there, that Charlie was wrong and you didn't die from a wild animal attack. I went there, to the meadow where they found the last remains of your human self, but it had rained so much and all the scents had washed away. I didn't know what had really gotten you, or if you had staged your own death and ran. I have always hoped that you had – that you grew to detest Forks enough that you simply broke all ties and left. I burned it, you know."

"Burned it?" I asked, quite bewildered.

"The meadow. Not the wood, just the meadow. I burned it black and then doused it with salt so that it would never be the same. It was ours and you disappeared from there. Your blood stained the ground. I could not let it remain so beautiful when it was the scene of such a crime, of such an abomination."

"You didn't have to destroy it…" I said, utterly shocked.

"I wanted to destroy much more than that. This is entirely my fault. If I hadn't of left…if I had recognized Laurent as a threat…you would still be human. You would still have your life, still be with Charlie and Renee and by now would have a college degree and perhaps even be married. You would have all the normal human experiences and grow old surrounded by your family. I took that from you, even though I swore I wouldn't, even though I left you so it wouldn't happen, it happened anyway. Oh, Bella…"

I recoiled. Even now he didn't want me. He was just regretful that I was no longer human, that I would no longer fall prey to old age or disease. I pulled away from his hands, rage boiling through me. Part of me, a large part, still wanted him. That part had hoped that if I ever came across him again he would see me – strong, lovely – and want me back. It was now disappointed beyond belief - even as a vampire I wasn't good enough.

He looked at me, confusion and pain twisting his features. "I am so sorry, love."

At hearing him call me that, after I knew how he really felt, the rage won out and I slapped him with every ounce of strength I had, the resulting sound was deafening. He was caught off guard – his head snapped back and he stumbled back a few steps.

He straightened up, rotating his neck a bit. "I suppose I deserved that. Would you like to hit me again? I do believe I would let you kill me if it would make you feel better."

I blanched. "I couldn't kill you," I whispered. "I could never do that."

I reached out toward him and then pulled my hand back. I was so going to pay for this when he left again. _I should have run when I had the chance, _I thought to myself.

"Could you…."

"Could I what?" I whispered.

"Have I killed the love you once had for me? Were you moving on before you…died? Have you moved on since? Have you found someone to love? Have you put me behind you as I meant for you to do? Please tell me, don't spare my feelings. Are your feelings for me gone or could you still love me, after everything?"

I could not speak – I did not know how to answer the question I thought would never be asked of me. I loved him, but he didn't, couldn't possibly love me and I would not let myself further decimate my own heart.

His face crumpled into a mask of agony at my silence.

"I love you, Bella, I love you with every fiber of my being. I am so very sorry for all the pain that I have caused you," he whispered, regret lacing his voice like a poison.

He continued to speak but all I could hear was Edward saying he loved me. All I could feel was the absolute certainty in that statement, due to my hyper-intuitive sense. Instead of healing me, the knowledge that he loved me hurt worse emotionally than anything I had ever been through – he claimed to love me and still he left me to suffer, to die, to try in vain to go on without him.

He reached out toward me with one lovely marble hand and I obeyed my instincts. I turned and ran.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer – Not mine

Disclaimer – Not mine! Just taking the characters down to play for a bit.

A/N – Be happy you got this update so quickly! It's finals week and I am neglecting my studying because my muse won't shut up. Thanks to all the lovely readers who sent me reviews or added this to their favorites or alerts.

As for mood music…I wrote this at work today and so didn't have any music going, however, if I had it would have been the CD Reflections by Apocalyptica. I have also found a lovely song that goes well, if only because it is sad and includes the story title in the lyrics. It is called Last of Days by A Fine Frenzy. Check them out!

As always…make my day, review!

* * *

I ran at full speed for longer than I ever had before, only stopping when the faint scent of humans drifted toward me on the breeze. It did not drive me wild as it once would have, but I could feel the venom filling my mouth and my throat burned with thirst. I leaned against a tree and did a few calming exercises, then I inhaled deeply to see if his scent was in the air – it wasn't and relief filled me.

I took stock of myself and realized I would probably alarm any human who glimpsed me – I wore old jeans and a flannel shirt, both rather rumpled, and I didn't even have shoes on my feet though I could tell it was quite cold. I ran my fingers through my hair, picking out tangles and leaves and cursed myself for my cowardice and lack of planning.

I crept in close to the town and realized with a shock that I had made it all the way to the Canadian border. I stopped to hunt, grabbing a quick deer, and then moved into the town – it was much easier to be around humans if I had just fed. I broke into a small shop and took a pair of socks and shoes, a coat and a hairbrush. I cleaned up in the small bathroom and was quite happy with my appearance – I wouldn't cause alarm bells to go off with anyone now.

Retreating to the woods, I perched in a large tree and took stock of the situation. I could not go back home unless I was ready to face Edward and the rest of the Cullens – I would never be ready for that. They had left me behind; strangely enough, they were just another part of my human life that I had to give up and learn to live without. I knew that I could never be a part of their family, though that very thought left me gasping in suddenly stagnant air.

Some part of me had always been waiting for Edward and Alice and the rest to come back for me, it was why I had not stayed with Caleb, why I kept to places I knew they had a chance of visiting. I shook my head at my idiocy – I waited for them for years and then when they returned what did I do? I ran. Although I had my reasons, and they were good ones, part of me wanted to go back, to take what little of themselves they would give me. Did it matter if I recovered after they moved on? I didn't even want this life, I just couldn't figure out how to end it. Nothing had any meaning without Edward; it had never had any meaning without Edward.

I continued to argue with myself, the part of me that had always waited for him wanted to go back, to try and make amends, to show him that I was worth his time now that I was strong and beautiful. That part wanted to win him back, or at least be near him for whatever time he would allow. The other part of me, the part that I had let take over when I ran, wanted to keep running; it wanted us to survive intact and it knew that to do that we could not go back to Edward and be abandoned again. I stretched out on the branch and sighed, longing for the days when making decisions was easy.

* * *

"Sunlight…" I breathed. It had been months since I had last glimpsed the sun hanging in the sky, years since I had seen it so high, clear and _bright_. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I got it back.

I was in a motel in some rural part of Arizona now, and had been for the last three days. I had managed to get across the US border and steal a car in the northern part of Washington. Even though I disliked high speeds, I knew he would be pursuing me and so I drove like a maniac, making the three day trip in just a little under one. I had also managed to steal several hundred dollars from an ATM machine to finance my trip.

I was on the rear side of the building, far away from the other tenants and so I sat with the window wide open, fighting the urge to jump out of it and dance in the sunlight. I closed my eyes and stretched out on the floor in a wide band of light, smiling as the warmth danced across my skin, casting prisms along the wall.

I waited until dark to leave the motel room, not bothering with checking out, and drove toward Phoenix. I knew this wasn't the smartest plan I'd ever come up with, but I had discovered on the trip down that my self-control was much better than I had anticipated, and it would be easy to hide in such a high population. I stopped at a 24-hour retail store and bought a clean pair of jeans, a t-shirt and sandals, changing in the restroom before I rushed back to the car and drove on.

When I reached the city I parked the car in a large department store parking lot and went on foot, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells that made up the city where I grew up. Everything was so much more…alive down here. I found myself wondering the streets of downtown, I hadn't fed in several days and the thirst was getting to me, however I wasn't seeing red yet, so the humans were still safe. It was always like that, when the thirst took over. All I could think about, all I could see was the blood and then it took over and I was not Bella, was not a woman, I was just an animal, a thing with a mindless need to satiate her thirst.

I was wandering along through alleys behind nightclubs and other buildings when I heard it – a woman screaming. I moved toward the sound without even thinking, just knowing that I had to help her. I found them, two alleys down; two men had cornered a woman and were advancing on her. Rosalie's face flashed in my mind and I remembered her story while simultaneously remembering that night in Port Angeles and the fate that might have been my own.

I practically flew over to them and grabbed the man nearest me, slamming him into the brick wall as hard as I could, forgetting my strength. The sound was loud in the quiet alley and several new cracks appeared in the bricks. Even over the smack of flesh meeting stone, I could hear the crunch as his bones shattered and the sound of his heart stuttering, and then ceasing to beat. The red began to eat at my vision as the skin on his forehead split open and the blood ran down his face. I dropped him to the ground, turning back to the other man and the woman.

She was looking at me in shock and horror, her dark eyes impossibly wide in her face, however he had eyes only for her. I wondered how he could have missed my little performance when he turned, too slow, and I realized he was probably messed up on something.

"What the…" he said stupidly, blinking from me to his partner, who lay still on the ground. He suddenly grabbed the woman's arm and jerked her in front of him, holding a knife to her neck. She let out another small scream. "Leave me alone or I'll kill her!" he said, eyes much too bright.

Faster than his eyes could follow, I sprang forward and ripped the knife from his hand, hurling it to the ground. I was fascinated by the twanging sound it made as it stuck up in the pavement, but I didn't let it distract me. I quickly grabbed the woman and spun her away from the crazed madman, before grabbing him and throwing him across the alley to crash into the opposite wall. He slid to the ground and I heard as his heart, too, slowed and then stopped.

I turned to look for the woman, wondering how I could ever explain what just happened to her without exposing myself. "Stupid move, Bella," I muttered.

Kneeling down beside her, I realized that her arm hung at a strange angle – it had been dislocated when I pulled her out of the way. I had apparently slung her so hard that she had fallen and her head and struck the asphalt. Blood and thicker things that I understood to be brain matter had leaked to pool on the ground and sobs began to tear themselves from my chest. I had tried to save her and in the end I had only succeeded in killing her. What kind of monster had I become?

I pulled her into my lap, rocking back and forth as I sobbed. The sight and smell of blood was everywhere, nearly driving me mad, but the horror and anguish I felt kept me sane. I was so distraught that I didn't realize I was no longer alone until a velvet voice called my name.

"Bella?"

My head snapped up, though I made no move to let go of the girl, or to stand. He came towards me slowly, stopping a few feet away and reaching out a hand. I stared at him until a slight noise caused me to lean away, glancing behind him. There was Emmett, and beside him with an unreadable look on her face, Rosalie. Edward was suddenly pulling me into his arms, stroking my hair and, incidentally, pulling me away from the dead girl. I didn't even think of fighting him, of pulling away. I clung tightly and let the sobs rack my body.

Only as they began to subside did I realize I was murmuring over and over, "No. No. I didn't' mean to. I was only trying to save her."


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer – If I owned this I would not have endured finals this week because I would not need a college degree because my writing would make me tons of money.

A/N – I am quite pleased with this chapter while be simultaneously unsure of it Yes…I am odd. So let me know what you think by, yes, you guessed it, reviewing!

Thanks to Ode to a Firefly for listening to me ramble on while I wrote this and for giving me advice on certain directions to take.

I have been waiting since I started this story to have this song as our mood music, so without further ado, this chapters music is: Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse.

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"Aw, Rose, can't you try to be understanding?"

"I dislike cleaning up after people, Emmett. Especially _her._ Why did she have to come back? We were doing just fine without her."

"She didn't 'come back,' Jasper came across her in the woods," Emmett soothed. "Besides…Edward wasn't doing well at all. You know that."

The voices faded out and I heard the clicking of the door latch signaling that the two had stepped out for a while. I currently was on a bed in a very nice hotel in Phoenix curled up in the lap of Edward Cullen. My face was buried in his neck and his fingers combed gently through my long hair as he hummed my lullaby. I had grabbed handfuls of his T-shirt in my fists and wrapped my legs tightly around him so that he couldn't let me go – I doubt he could have pried me off if he had tried, which he hadn't.

The lullaby stopped.

"Bella?"

I didn't speak.

"It wasn't your fault, Bella. You tried to do the right thing. I'm very proud of you for not losing control when you smelled the blood."

"I still killed her," I whispered into his neck. "I still smell her blood."

"That is because we are both covered in it. If you recall you haven't let go of me since we pulled you into the car. It's hard to get cleaned up that way," he said.

"I don't want to let go of you. I want to sit here and let you hold me and pretend that everything is all right and that you love me and want me back. I know I shouldn't be like this, I should distance myself from you because it's going to kill me when you leave again but I just can't," I sobbed, raising my head up to look at him.

"Oh, Bella, my sweet, sweet Bella. Now that I've found you again how could I ever leave you?" he murmured, voice laced through with pain.

"You left me before," I said in a rather petulant tone. My voice turned softer; "I'm nothing special, not even now that I'm strong like you."

I sighed, loosening my grip slightly, and prepared myself to let him go – he, however, had other plans. The fingers that had been stroking my hair suddenly wrapped around the back of my neck, holding me in place, and his lips came crashing down on mine. My eyes flew open in shock even as my body responded just as forcefully – he had never been this rough with me before. I realized it was because he couldn't – his grip on my neck alone would snap the spine on a human. I melted into his kiss, my eyes sliding shut, and I momentarily forgot everything that was wrong and just concentrated on the wondrousness that was Edward.

He finally pulled back, gazing into my eyes with an unreadable expression on his face. His fingertips stroke along the side of my face and he gifted me with my favorite crooked smile. "I love you, Isabella Marie Swan."

His smile faded. "It was the biggest mistake of my existence when I left you in the woods that day. It was the darkest form of blasphemy ever uttered when I said I didn't love you. I have been completely miserable every day for the past six years and it is no more than I deserve. I should be miserable for the rest of my days for the pain and suffering I have caused you."

He paused for a moment and then continued, "Please…I know I don't deserve you now, perhaps I never did, but please believe that I love you. I want to prove it to you, I want to show you, I want to be there for you and protect you for the rest of our existence. I'll do anything I can to make it up to you, to ease the hurt I have caused you. Just let me try, please."

I shook my head and the careful emotionless mask slipped over his features.

"You can't want me," I whispered and when he realized what the shaking of my head meant the mask crumbled once more into a picture of sorrow. "I'm nothing! I'm not special or beautiful. Yes, I'm more durable but I'm not any more interesting than I was as a human. I'm the one that doesn't deserve you. There's nothing to make up for, nothing to apologize for. I always knew it didn't make sense for you to love me; it wasn't blasphemy, those words you said that negated all the rest, it was the truth."

"It was not the truth!" he roared so loud that the glass shook in the windowpanes. I would have leapt away from him if he didn't still have me in a vice like grip and if my limbs weren't still locked behind his back. "It was the worst lie I've ever told," he growled, voice much quieter now.

Even as my intuition told me he spoke only truth, I still could not accept it. "You can't want me…"

"You are all I want now, all I've ever wanted, all I ever will want. You are the piece of my soul that is missing. You are the only thing that makes me whole. I. Love. You."

It clicked then. That he had lied to protect me. That he loved me now and always had. That I had been an idiot when I ran away. "You love me…" I whispered in wonder.

"Yes!" he cried, punctuating this exclamation with an exasperated sigh. "I love you, more than anything in the whole world. From the bottom of my heart to the very heights of my soul, I love you. I want nothing more than to make you happy, than to be with you. Please, tell me, if I have ruined my chances with you?"

"You could never ruin your chances with me. I love you, Edward. I could never love anyone but you. I wouldn't care if you never wanted me back, you would still be all that I would ever want."

He grip turned soft and he held me to him once more, rocking me slowly and placing gentle kisses on my hair, my forehead, my cheeks, my eyelids, the tip of my nose, and, finally, once more, pressing his lips to mine.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer – If I haven't owned it in the last 6 chapters do you really think it has changed? Jeez…

A/N – Thanks to Ode to a Firefly for constant prompting. More A/N at the bottom…

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He pulled back and gazed into my eyes. "I thought it would be strange, when I found out from Alice that you were one of us, to look into your eyes and see a mirror image of my own staring back at me. I was wrong. Though I do miss the warm brown pools of your human eyes." He placed his hand gently over my heart. "And the sound of your heart not being present…and to not see the sweet blush upon your cheeks," he sighed dramatically and his fingers swept along my cheekbone. "Agony, all of it. However, I will grow accustomed to these things with time, and the trade off is better by far," he finished in a whisper, his eyes positively smoldering.

"Trade off?" I whispered, wondering idly if my eyes could smolder like his now. I seriously doubted it.

His lips brushed my cheek. "Part of the trade off is your scent…it's positively exquisite – I did worry that it would not appeal to me as much as when you were human. I was wrong on that too. And then, the best part of the trade off is that I get to keep you for eternity. You are mine Isabella Swan, and now that I have you back I am never letting you go."

I smiled as I pressed my lips to his. "I like the sound of that," I breathed. "However, you really do need to let me up. I have got to wash this blood off and change clothes."

He motioned to his own bedraggled state. "I am just as bad off as you are in the messy department. If we weren't covered in blood would you want me to stop holding you?"

"No," I whispered. "I'm already dreading getting up. I've been without you so long…I missed you."

"Then don't get up," he said, smiling my favorite crooked smile and he slid to the edge of the bed and stood up, supporting my weight with one arm. "I missed you too."

"Where are we going?" I asked, clinging tighter to him so I wouldn't fall.

"To clean up," he replied, moving through a darkened doorway I hadn't noticed before.

He left the light off and I reached for the switch, but he pulled me away. I deduced that we were in a bathroom and using the mirror, I looked over my shoulder to see that we were moving toward a large Jacuzzi tub; he turned the water on high before sitting me on the counter.

"Is this all right?" he whispered.

I didn't really know what the "this" was that he was referring to and I really didn't care. I couldn't imagine anything that wouldn't be all right when Edward was there with me. I nodded my head and he smiled at me, hands going to the buttons on my shirt. That was when it clicked – apparently the "this" was us getting cleaned up, in the tub, together.

I grinned as he slipped the bloody shirt off my shoulders to pool behind me on the counter, but inside my head that pesky little voice was screaming at me to put my clothes back on and run away. I ignored it. I also ignored the nervousness from this situation – I had never been even partly naked in front of a man and now I was expected to climb fully naked into a tub with a fully naked Edward. _"At least he left the lights off," _I thought to myself.

He slipped his own shirt off, and then kicked off his shoes before sliding out of his jeans. I was fascinated by the way his muscles rippled and moved under his skin – even with the lights out I could see him clearly. He slipped my shoes off and he kissed me gently for a moment.

"Are you all right?" he breathed, and I knew he must have seen some of the discomfort playing across my face.

I nodded, reaching behind myself and undoing my bra; it fell into my lap and my arms automatically clamped around my torso, hiding my nakedness.

"Bella…we don't have to do this. I just thought," he murmured, but I wasn't paying attention.

My fingers felt the gritty way the blood was smeared across my skin and suddenly I _needed_ to be in that water. All the emotions I had felt earlier came rushing back once more and now I was shaking and suddenly frantic to get the blood soaked clothes off of me. My hands were trembling so hard I was near to ripping my pants off. Suddenly his hands were there, steadying my own and pulling them away from my jeans. He slipped my pants and panties off and lifted me up like I was a child, carrying me over to the tub and placing me gently in the warm water. I covered my face with my hands, trying to still the tremors.

"Oh Bella, my sweet Bella," he whispered, sorrow working its way into his every syllable. I pulled my hands away and opened my eyes to find him startlingly close. He leaned in and kissed my forehead, pulling me close until I slid onto his lap – it was then that I realize he had removed the rest of his clothing as well. I gasped and if I had still been human my face would have been flaming red.

I leaned forward, pressing my face against his neck, wrapping my arms around his chest, and inadvertently pressing my breasts against his chest. His fingers traced lazy patterns up and down my back and I slowly relaxed, the tremors ceasing – I felt so safe, so much better in his arms. He sensed my change in mood.

"Aren't you glad I didn't let you turn on the light?" he asked, chuckling softly.

"Yes, quite glad," I replied.

I pulled away from him, being also glad that the tub was large, and lay back until my head was submerged, wetting my hair. I came up dripping, keeping my head leaned back so my hair would stay out of my face and gently swept the water droplets away from my eyes with my fingertips. I was moving to my knees to grab the bar of soap that was just out of my reach, when I glanced at Edward - the look on his face stopped the breath in my lungs. If I had thought his eyes smoldered before it was nothing compared how they looked now.

He rose up out of the water and came at me so fast I could not have moved if I had wanted to. He wrapped his arms around me, pressing me back against the side of the tub, and began kissing me with the same fervor he had shown earlier when we were still in the bedroom. I returned his kiss in kind and he pulled away after a few moments, breathing hard. I grabbed his face and pulled him back, meeting his lips once more with my own.

"You are so beautiful," he groaned, pulling back to gaze into my eyes, before he began trailing kisses down my throat and along my shoulders. He tried to go lower but I pulled him back up, capturing his lips in another kiss. He pressed his body against mine and I wrapped my arms and legs tightly around him, wondering how I ever could have been nervous about this.

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A/N – And it with this that I leave you for a while. No, I am not abandoning the story, I am flying away to the UK for 18 days, and regrettably, will not be able to update while I am there. I am sorry for any distress this causes you. If you are lucky I might have time for one more update before I leave in two days but I seriously doubt it.

Anyway….I hope you liked this chapter – it was very fun (though difficult) to write and didn't really turn out like I planned. But I like it anyway. So…let me know your thoughts, concerns and questions by clicking the little button and dropping me a review.


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